the battlefield / gathering the scattered rays

the battlefield

Engaging the battering ram of attention

towards the fortress of pain and despair

until exhaustion is reached

Then offering least resistance

as the forces of evil are unleashed

to leap amok on the battlefield

known as mind

Collecting instead

renewed strength

to continue the siege

for the liberation of the soul 

 

gathering the scattered rays

Gathering the scattered rays

dispersed by aeons of inertia

Intensifying the beam

of unwavering attention

until it grows one-pointed

Piercingly capable

of penetrating the darkness

and reunite with its source

Attachment and suffering. "Heartbreak" redefined.

Firstly, I had my email address, noah_ekerman@hotmail.com stolen from me a few weeks back, and it has come to my knowledge that emails have been sent out to all my contacts, begging for money and stating that I would have been mugged in London etc. For more information on this well known scam, see; http://consumerist.com/2010/05/just-for-the-record-your-friend-wasnt-mugged-in-london.html

To clarify, I have neither been in London lately, nor have I been mugged or the like. I am in no acute need of money either (unless you feel like frivolously giving gifts away, then by all means, go ahead.). My condolences go to anyone who was fooled by the impostors. I now have a new email address; ekermannoah@gmail.com , but have lost all contacts, so if you enjoy my blogposts please send me an email with subject: blogsubscribe and I will add you to a new list. Also, if anyone knows of a program that can collect contacts for newsletter purposes then I would gratefully accept information about it.

Attachment, suffering, and heartbreaks.

Attachment means that something we perceive becomes emotionalized due to the minds tendency to cling to objects of our liking. The very process of clinging, (which in physical terms can be likened with leaning with our bodies towards an object, thus becoming imbalanced) generates emotion. Either positive, when the object is of our liking and we lean towards, or negative, if the object is one we harbor dislike towards and thus lean away from, creating aversion. Whether attachment to, or aversion from, we are bound to suffer. Naturally, as the object we have grown attached to leaves us, we feel a great void within, like an avocado with it’s seed plucked out. We then try to fill this void with this and that, most often creating a corrosive effect in our already sore being, exchanging temporary relief for prolonged suffering. 

Likewise, when the object of our aversion enters our vicinity, we feel awful and miserable.

Oh no, Í got kicked out from my apartment, and now I have to move back to my parents. Misery, misery misery, lol. Or on my birthday party night out, they start playing that song that I can’t stand, and my best friend makes out with the girl I have a crush on, my birthday is ruined.

So, to summarize, attachment is bound to sting sooner or later, thus part of our task to stay out of misery equals staying out of attachment.

How? This formula makes sense to me; Serve, love, give, purify, meditate, realize.

What then, is this phenomenon we so commonly refer to as heartbreak?

It is the experience of loss of an object we have grown tremendously attached to, and identified with on many levels, constructed a mental web of identifications around this object. My girlfriend, my mother in law, my brother in law, my this, my that. Our apartment, our dog, our insurance, our plans, our time together. And then all of a sudden the hour of our is over. BOOM. 

The very core of this mental web of ideas and attachments, the girlfriend or boyfriend, the spider itself, is ripped out, and there is a great void. What once reflected our energy back to us is no longer available, so our energy is leaking big time. It literally feels as if part of us is dying, which in a sense it truly is. Part of the self image has been shattered, so in fact, rather then heartbreak, it could properly be termed egobreak, or selfbreak, as in mental idea of self, as opposed to witnessing entity of Self.  Everything has to be re-arranged, reshaped, forgotten, and energy has to be re-distributed into new sources. This inner turmoil we call a Heartbreak, with understanding, perhaps it may become a tad more bearable.

Don’t take my words for the truth, find out for yourself. What I write is only true from my current, limited point of view, which changes daily, and most certainly is a million miles away from ultimate truth. Tomorrow I head back to Dhammaland to serve a 3 day course. The journey continues...

Au revoir,

Namaste, blessings

Noah

Dhamma Sobhana - The Jewel of the North

...Lured in by the Scent of the Dhamma (Surabhi), onwards to the Valley of Dhamma (Kuñja), to experience the Beauty of Dhamma (Sobhana)...

I have arrived back into the agitated madness of city life. From having served a 10 day Vipassana course in the role of the male student manager, a very stimulating task with plenty of opportunity for meditation as well as interaction.
The last two days back in Stockholm I have learned about the importance of utilizing the energy freed up through meditation, and the reversion into old habits if this freed up energy isn't immediately redirected into creative and sustainable endeavors.

Sobhana is just as beautiful as it's name, which means just that, Beauty, in Pãli.
Rich animal life, birds, mammals, reptiles and what not. We witnessed it all. I have some pictures that may shed some light on this. And a movie of the sunrise with accompanying wildlife sounds to be found here: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/4072517/Sunrise%20at%20Sobhana.AVI

full moon above the turbines

During my stay, I wrote one article. I just slightly scraped upon the surface the infinite well of knowledge within. I was generally unwilling to dig deep, unwilling to let go of attachments, I kept pulling back whenever the door into the unknown stood ajar, still clinging on to the known. Limiting the flow of my inspiration by my own force. The potential dwelling within, it is so scary. So safe to hide, to be unseen, to mend in with the masses, blame the outside for ones misery, pretend to be incapable of growth. The article follows:

______________________________________________________

Power vs Force, Addiction to Misery, and Healing Addiction. 

David Hawkins, Scientist in the field of human consciousness, writes of Power vs. Force, and I am currently experiencing the potential transition from Force to Power. From victimization to empowerment.

Force being the energy of strain and struggle, between self-sabotage and progress, an inner tug of war, fueling a cocktail of anger, blame, animosity and self pity. "Oh poor me, I try so hard, yet my progress never comes. Or it comes, and then it reverts. I really want to change, but the world just does not allow me to".

Power being the same energy freed up from it's bondage through consistent observation, patience, persistence and surrender. Surrender being the process of continuously abstaining from the temptation (or surrendering the urge to) habitually react to a certain stimuli, such as lashing out at someone as soon as anger raises it's tail. Each time when prompted to react, reminding oneself that through EACH reaction abstained from, the energy propelling that invitation to react lessens in strength, to eventually after consistent abstinence, entirely dissolve. The energy then, becomes available for distribution into a new, healthy, constructive action as opposed to the detrimental and destructive habit pattern that it previously was invested in due to a previous convenience.

Example given; perhaps at some point it served a person (was a convenience) to start screaming as soon as he or she felt threatened, but fast forward 10 years and that reaction of screaming which is now deeply ingrained, causes a lot of misery and trouble for this person. Yet one is a slave of the habit, and can not break it by mere will. Power, then, as referred to in this meaning, is achieved by consistent and patient, equanimous, non-reactive observation of a phenomenon to the point where it has lessened in strength until not possessing the gravity to produce a reaction any longer.

Such seems to be the mental process of healing an addiction.
Force, in other words, is energy moving between two points, linearly,  whereas Power is energy moving in an unobstructed, circular, non-linear flow. Capable of moving mountains due to an inextinguishable supply. Faith could be seen as energy moving in such a flow.

To begin healing our negativities, synonymously mental impurities, we must first be willing to take full accountability, accept full responsibility for their arising, realizing that it is by our own effort, and our own effort alone, habitual as it may be, that we keep on perpetuating their manifestation in our lives. Not until we accept the full responsibility for even the minutest occurrence can we ever hope to reach a state of empowerment and unwavering direction in our lives.
The cause of our misery is not out there, it is in here. Until we welcome and eventually realize this, we are destined to a life with reoccurring miseries and sufferings.
Meditate, serve, and realize the existential truths, leaving suffering behind through proper understanding of the mechanisms of the human mind.  

_____________________________________________________________

More pictures of the centre, surroundings, and Dhamma servers;

ET phone home!

living superfoods

 

 Sunrise at Sobhana

 metta in motion

Finally, I would like to extend wishes of strong continuity of practice to all the students, thanks to the servers and the assistant teacher, and wish everybody involved a
life aligned and in tune with the Dhamma or Law of the workings of all things.

Chapter 4 - The cocoon, starts tomorrow

Bag packed, lunch box prepped, intent set. Tomorrow I head towards Dhamma Sobhana, the only Vipassana meditation centre in Scandinavia as of yet, to serve the course beginning on the 14th of April. Serving, for the uninformed, means being on the work force that makes sure the students have a smooth running course. It mostly means kitchen work, such as preparing, cooking, and cleaning. I am thrilled to establish a foothold on Scandinavian ground after having returned here from Canada only 10 days ago. I am also enthused to meet some Dhamma brothers and sisters over here, potentially mending some lasting friendships.

I am arriving this time with a solid daily practice for the first time, and I feel much more capable of facing the challenges and tribulations of days full of meditation than ever before. There has previously been plenty of reluctance and resistance within towards sitting, but those barriers are slowly breaking down, and I am becoming more and more willing to do the work, which means, less and less inclined to perpetuate my misery through stubborn acts of self pity and self destruction. I waver in my blogging with questions such as;

'Why would any being on earth want to read the stuff I write, why should I even bother putting energy into this?' 


'What kind of self centered egomaniac am I to be doing this? Is this some kind of subtle cry for approval from others due to feeling unloved at some point in my childhood?


 'Maybe I should just drop this sh*t and spend the energy on something that doesn't involve the risk of being judged instead'


Nonetheless, I persevere... At least it gives me a chance to practice writing and language, and it also gives me a space to crystallize my thoughts and reflect on what goes on in my head. Those reasons seem sufficient enough to keep it up right now.

I hope to once again be inspired in my writing, which usually is the case when focus is directed upon meditation.

...to be continued...

Light on the dark side of life - My love affair with misery.

Misery, misery, misery.. Can't live with it, can't live without it, or at least not until a tremendous rehabilitation from victimhood and self pity to personal responsibility and accountability has taken place. Are we simply miserable at times due to external circumstances? Or are we really manifesting suffering for ourselves out of habit, comfort, and lack of awareness.

I knew today was going to be a pivotal day in one way or another. The higher the potential for happiness, the greater the potential to fall into misery. Plenty of days in abstinence from self sabotage, and a taste of the strength and determination inherent in every single human being.

In moments, the path is clear, and then the fog sets in. In the fog, without a focal point set while in clarity, the crash into a reef is imminent. Not only are there reefs in the ocean of life, but many of them are inhabited by sirens. These sirens sing their tempting songs, and the thicker the fog, the more alluring the melody. As I entered the fog today, I knew I had to watch out. Climbing the walls, where is the clarity, the sirens song calling louder and louder. Out of desperation I make a decision to go downtown and do some volunteer work giving massages at a public shelter. For one moment I waver, that is all it takes. Then I cement my faculties of awareness and dull my sensitivity in a thick  hide of sugar, fat and flour rich foods drenched with a river of hot dairy. Basically affirming that I will rather die than live in vulnerability, sensitivity, and responsiveness, although I know that a life lacking these 3 aforementioned qualities is not life, but a slow death.
Intellectual understanding and argumentation against emotionally fused patterns of the mind are like a wooden stick in a duel vs a lightsaber.

Needless to say, the intention to give massages turned into a chase for the most mind fucking foods and a devils dance of anger. With a tightening jaw, with sensory gratification on my mind, at the flick of a switch, I turned my mind from a generator of love, harmony and inspiration, into a chimney of anger, guilt, and despair. 
I felt tension and pain settling in the hips, making the body tense and stiff, and shuddered at the thought of days of intense hard work in the form of yoga, meditation, and a light diet being slashed by impulse driven reactionary behavior, desperately attempting to pack down the emotions that try to come to the surface.

The increasing flow in the body acquired by ardent exercise and intense moment-to-moment awareness constricts rapidly as the breath is choked to a shallow panting and the stomach swells up like a balloon. I feel like doing nothing, with a frown between my eyebrows, my only current interest in other people stems from using them as targets to pour my self pity upon, and hopefully get a chance to justify my self-created victimhood. Needless to say, in this state of mind, I am wise enough to stay away from other people not to poison their minds with my polluted state. I am surrounded by a stubborn wall of negativity, caring for nothing and no one by my sorry self. Fearful and dispassionate about others, feeling threatened by their success and happiness, for it reminds me of my own un-utilized potential, and that hurts deep down. So rather than facing my pain, I secretly enjoy the misfortune of others, sucking on it like a leech, making me feel better about my self because it justifies my own misery, somehow helps me release some of the guilt and shame I feel about ruining my life.

How long am I to carry this shadow aspect of my personality? When will I want to change badly enough to persist in the pursuit of happiness to the point where these destructive patterns don't have a hold on me any longer? How much misery and suffering am I going to create for myself, how many relationships ruined before I really deem it worthwhile to leave my parasitically self indulgent tendencies behind and change?

It is ardous work each given moment to keep climbing on the ladder of spiritual/personal growth, and with the slightest wavering in determination and persistence, I am back down in the sticky cauldron of misery.
Today is my 27th birthday, and I didn't have a single conscious thought of throwing myself into misery's alluring embrace as I sat down for my morning meditation. Later on however, I was once again shown, that when the prospect of a happy life became palpable, I let the fear and uncertainty get the best of me, and quickly reverted back into my old pattern of control behavior and self destructiveness.
I simply wasn't ready to drop misery today either. I draw some perverted enjoyment in abusing myself, and when I am in that frame, I also enjoy being abused by others and abusing others. Either way, misery loves misery.
It is like an old love affair, where the pure love has faded, and togetherness is sought on the basis of emotional attachment which although obviously doesn't serve me anymore, still has a strong hold on me due to the past and whatever function it may have served previously. I am brought to the smell of freshly baked bread, which quickly comes to mind in times of inner turmoil and disquietude, almost as a programmed protest against the experience of any contradiction. A protest which if acted on produces a stubborn pointless rebellion against life, signaling; Life has gotta change, I refuse to change, producing resistance instead of an honest effort to adapt to life's terms. This madness resists any logic, no amount of intellectual understanding or argumentation has any effect on defusing this pattern of the mind, as anyone having dealt with addiction can attest to.

I write now as the cat spews after having swallowed it's own hair, to drop some mental weight. My heart feels inflamed, as a throat feels with bronchitis. This physical discomfort generates anger on the mental level. That anger floods the body with impulses of hunger/craving for junk foods, which tend to grow so strong as to overpower any other impulses and totally cloud the intuitive and rational faculties. When these cravings are fulfilled, once again they re-start the cycle by further poisoning the Heart. Writing this makes me want to escape my body, which in times of self loathing feels like a sinking ship.I'm stuck on this ship though, so there is no other choice than to keep working to tighten the leaks, face the damage I have inflicted, and keep inflicting, and do my best to tame this wild beast of a mind.

I share, because in being heard, misery is cut in half, and the potential for perpetuation is reduced. Shared happiness is double happiness. Shared misery is half misery. That's why miserable people love hanging out together, it's a mutual agreement of spewing bile at each other, it is easy to deny ones divine potential as one keeps hanging out with others who are also denying it.

It is in moments like this that I cringe at the person looking back at me in the mirror. I curse society, my teachers and parents, for fucking up the innocent child with the golden curly hair and smile on his face, who came to the world free from negativity, curiously loving, just to be taught how to hate and be angry. It is all black or white for me, and right now I embody the lesser spectrum of the human experience.

I have realized that a big part of bringing light into my darkness is to share it with others, in that way I can not deny it to myself any longer, and just as the rays of the sun dispel any trace of darkness, so does awareness dispel any trace of negativity within the mind. Don't believe a word I write though, because at this point, I couldn't tell the truth from a lie, this is only a little story of mine, tainted by whatever I have been going through today. If you thought you knew me, I am relieved to have exposed to you the miserably, angry, depressed, mean, greedy, self indulgent and destructive prick who hides beneath my skin, and I have invested so much energy into disguising behind a proper, shiny facade, pretending never existed, hiding behind a set of shiny bleached teeth and expensive brand clothes, a smile, fake smiles and so on, ever ready to sacrifice any bond of friendship or trust for the sake of a slimy yeasty cinnamon bun and a lukewarm caffe latte.
Politeness and so-called kindness springing through a mind tainted by suppressed negativity can never be genuine. Through expressed darkness, I hope to achieve a clear lens and a genuine expression. Hopefully it will work, I am ready to try anything.

Namaste.

Chapter 3 conclusion.. 10 day sit at Dhamma Kunja, Onalaska, WA.

Wowa weewa. What a start of the new year. I came back from serving at Surabhi on Jan 16. Still have a lot of blog material that I originally intended to publish from that course, but I had so many things going on for me and the inspiration to create blog posts out of my material never arose. Out of experience I know that things done out of a sense of duty as opposed to out of inspiration, tend to eradicate the element of joy in publishing, which really is what I seek in doing this, so henceforth I will only post whenever I feel that what I wish to post rings true and inspirational for me in this moment.
For anyone who wishes to check my pictures (and some other photographers pictures that I saved for blogging) from the course at Surabhi Jan 05 - Jan 16, they can be found here:

https://www.dropbox.com/gallery/4072517/1/jan05-16-10dayservesurabhi?h=a3df98

I had some quality time in Vancouver before heading away on a mini vacation to Victoria to visit my good friends Andrew and Cierra.

They're currently house sitting a 3 story house in which the top floor made into a sacred space in tribute to Swami Sivananda Radha and her followers, founder of the Yasodhara ashram in kootenay bay, BC. This attic space proved a very supportive environment for meditation.
I had a fantastic time in Victoria, meeting plenty of top notch people who took great care of me and introduced me into their circles of friends. Also randomly (or perhaps not) ran into my Dhamma Sista Christa who seemed in great spirits

Pictures from this excursion can be found right here:
Part 1: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=900065076&aid=612198
First nations exhibition at Royal BC Museum: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=900065076&aid=613298
Part 2: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=900065076&aid=613309

I then returned on the 25th and headed straight to Siddhartha and Samadhi's departure celebration, as the two of them were relocating to Australia. A very nice gathering with great turnout of people was had, a farewell event worthy of two truly remarkable individuals who ceaselessly have dedicated themselves to benefiting others through their hard work and strong dedication to personal and spiritual development.
This evening signified the end of an era for many of us involved closely in the work and practice of this radiant couple.

Pictures from this evening:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=900065076&aid=621299

On the first of February I once again set aim for another meditation experience, this time at Dhamma Kunja, meaning "Dhamma in the valley", in Onalaska, about a one hour drive outside Seattle, WA.

 
I received an invitation by Meredith whom I met at Surabhi to be looked after if I wanted to come and take a course at Kunja, I'd have had to be a fool to reject. And how I was treated... Picked up from the greyhound station by her fabulous friend Mariko, driven at extreme speed (she drives like lightning - all within the speed limits of course) to Meredith's house. There I was introduced to Garuda who had also taken the bus from Vancouver earlier during the day to take his first Vipassana course.

                                                           mariko, noah, kaya, garuda

Mer was still in Chicago by this time, stuck due to a snow storm, so Garudaji, Mariko and myself had a nice dinner gathering with Mer's parents Dwight and Irene. Dwight, a colonel of the US army, and Irene, a psychologist and former Olympic swimmer proved great stimuli for worthwhile conversation. We finished off this very pleasant evening with a midnight dip in lake Washington which was just outside the house, and then rushed straight into the open sky hot tub to digest the day with it's multitude of experiences.

The following day, which happened to be my younger brothers birthday, we went for a climb in an indoor climbing facility in the Seattle area. Mariko and Garuda are both really into climbing. I did my best to cope with my extremely sore and tense forearms while these 2 monkeys were bouncing around all over the place.

                                                   congrats bro, 17 matches in the box. 


After that, we headed back home to Mer's house, made some lunch and Mer's friends Chris and Kirra came by, they were also going to participate in the course and were our designated drivers (in a pimpin' lincoln ride the size of a truck) to the center.

I had plenty of very awesome and capturing pictures from all these events and of all these auspicious characters but out of mindlessness I deleted them all before having the chance to upload them. It really adds to the dimension of storytelling with pictures to go along with the text, so my grievance lies within the limitation to my ability of communicating my experiences in their totality. By this sentence I vow to forget about them and move on with my life.

The course itself in summary, looked as follows:

Day 1 - 5 - Misery, misery misery... Pain, pain, pain. Doing my best to observe my aversion to the multitude of gross painful sensations on the body as I attempted to meditate. Frequent restless thought of getting out of this prison and what I was going to do once I was out. Projecting back and forth between past and future, dwelling in illusion and full of anger and hatred. Lashing out constant judgment about the fellow students which probably would've landed me some good beatings if people could read my mind. Observing the monkey minds tendency to project every personal discomfort and disappointment onto my surroundings and the people around me. That one is too loud. This one looks like a hunchback. That one eats way too much. That one has no manners. This one will never progress on the path, with such a loose-ass attitude..Stop coughing will ya, I'm trying to work here.
Bla bla bla, it goes on and on.. At times I just laid flat out on my bed for a few hours, totally stuck in rebellion and resistance to meditation at all, feeling sorry for myself for having such an infestation of negativity in my mind.

Day 6 - Misery still thick, but something started to happen. The perceived coat of armour across my chest and abdominal area seems to be slightly dissolving in certain places. Gastric fire seemed to be kindling, as in intestinal activity speeding up. Bowel movements increased in frequency, many growling noises from the stomach, hip pains slightly more bearable.

Day 7 - My first day of reasonable equanimity towards the pain. I have periods where I, instead of being caught on the surface of a stormy ocean, sink toward the calm bottom, and can observe whatever turmoil that goes on upon the surface with distance, without being thrown around like a drunk capsized seaman by the sensations on and in the body.

Day 8 - I complete my first Adit Than (Pali: Strong Determination) sitting, meaning to sit for one hour without opening ones eyes or moving hands or legs. At the end of day 8 I felt really optimistic about experiencing a major tension release during the last 2 days. Unfortunately, in retrospect I see that this desire for release quickly grew into a craving that in turn majorly increased my aversion and fed my unwillingness to tranquilly face the painful and unpleasant sensations, which are as big of a part of the journey.

Day 9 & 10 - My willingness to meditate and my equanimity are lost, I drown my disappointment in my curent disinclination towards the practice in sleep and bread. I resolve to enter my next 10 day course with a yet stronger determination and with a strategy on how to stay out of the 'Game of sensation' - As in feeding aversion for unpleasant and craving for pleasant sensations.. It's a tricky balancing act I find, but I stand determined to deepen my skill in it.

As noble silence is lifted on day 10, I turn into a manic chatterbox and it feels great to be able to express my social qualities again. Watching the female students, who for the first time in 10 days are intermingling with the male, feels scary and exciting. Almost as being back in school, I feel really shy, fragile, and exposed.

My biggest lessons from this course could be summarized as follows:
Expect nothing.
Regret nothing.
Bring more and more attention to the immediate reality as it manifests on a sensational/physical level. 

We left the course, Meredith drove, with Garuda and myself in the back seat, and were privileged to spend  ride back to Seattle together with the male Assistant Teacher, Sheldon Klein, who shed light upon some really interesting topics and told us some funny stories. Needless to say, the ride back passed in the blink of an eye. Stopping at a bakery on the way back, I felt like a child entering a confectionary shop for the first time, having his first weekly financial allowance in his hand.

Arriving back in Seattle, some nice meals were had together. A jog, awakening the body from slight stagnation, and a yoga class the following morning at YOONS YOGA BLISS ( http://www.yoonsyogabliss.com/ ) before Garuda and I headed back towards Vancouver with the 4.30pm Amtrak bus on that promising valentines evening.

Chapter 2, Day 1. MORALITY.

Day 1, 10.05pm

Joyful. Freedom is graspable.

Another server joined the team today. A little baker angel who goes by the name of Meredith and has already blessed us with cookies and bread. She speaks some Swedish J.

I have reflected upon morality

I define morality as follows:

Individual conduct that is wholesome to self and others.

There are two kinds of morality, they are:

Sincere morality and Insincere / imposed morality.

Personally, I have become an expert on the latter. I built up an image of what I considered to be the impersonation of a genuinely good character and then did my best to impersonate that image.

The only problem with this, was that as soon as something came up within me that did not fit into the description of my perfect character, the mental committee I had assigned to keep me on track would slam the hammer in the table, deem it unacceptable, and suppress it.

Angry? Not ok – suppress.

Horny in public? Not ok – suppress.

Jealous of somebody for logically ridiculous reasons? Not ok – suppress.

Envious of somebody for their worldly possessions? So not spiritual! Suppress.

Resentful and judgmental of someone’s habits? Not ok – Suppress.

And on it went until at some point the steaming pit with suppressed negativity got so hot that subconsciously my mind would device different strategies to keep the heat isolated or lead it into other places. All while the moral committee kept slamming their hammers in the tables at an accelerating speed, because the more suppression, the more negativity stored in the mind, and the more negativity is bound to color our perception. These strategies of ‘protection’ would manifest as a desire to get drunk or do drugs, have excessive sex, binge eat etc. The latter being the main issue for me. Eventually this method of suppression led me down a dark path where I found myself in a suicidal state, resenting almost everything and everyone, with the exception of a few moments here and there where I saw the light and remembered that In truth I was not all this misery.

Most of all I resented myself for having had become almost the total opposite of that neat little self image I had engineered.

Fast forward a while and I have this insight. That if we attempt to impose morality, it may very well end up with catastrophic, often opposite results of that which we originally intended. Imposed morality is what most parents attempt to program their children with in our extremely dysfunctional society. Suppressed energy takes perverted expressions. What is a pervert? Somebody who has gone on suppressing for so long, that the means of releasing the pressure have taken the most morphed expressions, such as pedophilia, necrophilia, schizophrenia, rape, murder, etc.

What then, is sincere morality?

Sincere morality is the blossoming of a free spirit, of somebody who has been allowed to play with the opposites, with both sides of the coin, with the extremes of each pole.

It is the natural conclusion of having tasted both the bitter and the sweet.

How can somebody know creation if she has not known destruction?

How can someone know stillness if he has not known motion?

As humans, we have an inherent compass that will guide us in the right direction as soon as we stop clinging to what we believe is the right direction. If we think north is right but never walked south, we can never be 100% sure until we walked south.

I am entering the most liberated period of my life so far, and all I have done is to make a conscious effort to allow myself to do that which I fear may cause me harm, but to do it consciously, really feeling and experiencing it fully.

Sincere morality comes from a place of knowing what is good for us, whereas imposed morality comes from a place of believing what is good for us. Believing comes from the mind and it is bound to produce insecurity, as we are not sure, because we haven’t tried the opposite prescription. Knowing is of the Heart, and is as indestructible as the space between things.

A little fresh example. I know it’s not good to eat just before sleep. Especially not cookies and stuff. That’s what my imposed morality or social conditioning tells me.

So, I do the opposite. I eat some nuts and fruits.

And then the thought of having a cookie enters my mind.. Oh no, that would be outright immoral at this time just before bed, besides I already had 3 earlier today.

You know what? Screw it. In this moment I want a cookie, so I will have one.

But, I will have it consciously. Sitting still and focusing on nothing else than eating that cookie as I am eating it. And as soon as I can really pull this off with a single pointed mind, guess what? The desire vanishes. Whereas if I do it while in a state of judging myself for it and creating lots of tasks and thoughts to distract myself from the experience of feeling judged, the desire just intensifies and I end up wanting MORE, MORE, and yet MORE…

And once a kink like this has been consciously experienced with acceptance over and over, it settles, and stops being an issue. We could visualize it as trying to flatten dough with a rolling pin. If we do it violently and want to get it done quickly, we are bound to create a monster of a loaf, but if we do it slowly, gently, and patiently, it might just turn out beautifully.

Sincere morality, then, comes from allowing oneself to be both good and evil, as one desires to, and listening to the needs and wants of the moment rather than endless habits, plans, impositions etc.

For me, meditation has given me the possibility to do just this, to hear my own inner voice in the moment, and thus being able to stop living like a conditioned robot all the time. I can now allow myself to feel whatever comes up in the moment, without trying to run away or distract myself just because it is something uncomfortable, hurtful, or painful. A teacher of mine once said that the only thing that can ever get hurt is our pampered little ego.

Once this allowance is there, we will naturally land onto the conclusion that certain thoughts, words, and deeds make us feel good, and others make us feel less than good. This conclusion can not be reached though, until we have fully allowed ourselves to do that which we fear will wreck our progress, our success, our life, our relations, etc.

To conclude, the most precious gift we can give any other person, and ourselves as well, is our full and unconditional acceptance. For it gives each individual space to play with their extremes in a space of non-judgment, and thus naturally arrive at their own true potential. To live and let live we must learn how to love.

1.08am

Just awoke from an intense dream. I was on something that resembled the Burrard bridge in Vancouver. But on this one the distance down to the water was much much higher. There was a big parade going on upon it, heading north, which in reality would have been towards the downtown Vancouver side. Lots of people dressed in fancy costumes were parading, horses, elephants etc where there. I was running against the stream of people, I was small, and had to watch out not to get stomped by the big animals. Everything felt very massive and threatening. It was night, skies were dark, perhaps it was raining. Waters underneath looked still and glowing. I was pushed towards the bridge side repeatedly. I could perceive the elephants deciding that they were going to chase me, so I started running, suddenly changing direction. I ran at the speed of a high speed train and the elephants were not much slower. I soon realized that the bridge was collapsed on the north side, or perhaps I just decided to jump off of it. Reaching the end of the bridge, I thought I should jump before the land strip begins underneath, so I could land in the water, but then I realized my speed was so high that anyway I would sail to land before I landed. So I let go of my attachment to being alive and I jumped off the left hand side of the bridge, avoiding the elephants threatening stomps, sailing through the air with closed eyes towards my destiny. The dream put plenty of stress on my nervous system and while sailing I woke up. This is just a rough recollection of what I remember. I know that before I was walking in opposite direction of the parade on the bridge, other events were taking place.

Going to try to get back to sleep now. Good night.