Day5, Day6 & Day7

Day5
12.28pm
I am utterly powerless over food, bread in particular. The more I try to restrict and control, the more violently I tend to dive into it. One little corn tortilla became 2, became 3, became an attitude of why not eat whatever I feel like. Stuffed, needless to say, but that is of minor relevance. Of major relevance is that overeating dulls the mind, wrecks the memory, intesifies cravings, creates drowsiness, brings about a general disinterest and unwillingness for anything spiritually related, makes the body tense, thus making it hard to meditate and breathe, and brings about very unpleasant gross bodily sensations, which when the mind is in a gross agitated state become very hard to stay equanimous to, which in turn brings about a tendency to abort meditation at an early stage of sitting due to pain, negativity, blame and guilt.
Note to self: take a pause from bread whenever capable.
Nonetheless I shall carry on with this day best I can. I really need a poop, so heading back up to the main building now.

4.20pm
I forgot to mention earlier, that this morning as I headed from my cabin to the main building, the sky was so clear, and it was like looking up on a huge omnipresent starlit screen. For a few fleeting moments I could feel my awareness curiously sniffing beyond the confinements of this body, with a deep sense of longing. I am so blessed to be here, finally having found a method to deal with my unruly self will. This environment is so charged with acceptance. We all have our own junk to deal with, and we all give eachother the space we need to do so. What a beautiful place to be!

Barbara playing with peanut butter

10.18pm
The 9pm question period proved very insightful today. A lot of students had questions, and the assistant teacher of the course, Lemay, answered them with grace and accuracy similar to that of a masterful knight wielding her sword.  I am approaching the knot on the left side of the diaphragm, it is as if there are layers of tensions preventing relaxation in that area, but with patience and persistance I am slowly coming closer. As soon as a layer of tension is released through observation, acceptance, and non reaction, the body responds immediately by releasing gas that seems to have been held on to for ages in the intestinal tract. As a result of this, the whole body straightens out. It feels truly liberating each time. Good night.

Day6
5.34am
Just sat for about 45 mins. The mind keeps launching seemingly important thoughts to distract me from observing the physical sensations on the body, and where I previously often had fallen prey to this trick, I now more and more manage to catch myself quickly and revert back rather briefly to observing the sensations in the body, and thus progressively untagle the knots that cause these thoughts in the first place, reaching deeper and deeper complexes of the body/mind structure.
It is very evident that intellectual conteplation only fuels the momentum of these knots/complexes lodged within the bodymind. (body and mind are not separate, it has become very clear on the experiental level through meditation and observation of the mental/physical phenomena). As these complexes are fuelled by mental attention into thought/emotion, it leaves me feeling tired, drained, exhausted, and unwilling to continue meditation practice. It gives the illusion of the possibility to "THINK MY WAY OUT" of the problem, while in fact, the more thinking, the bigger the problem appears, and the more energy is wasted into mental procrastination rather than actual dealing with the cause of the problems at the root level, which remains the physical sensations felt on and within the body.
Breakfast prep time with James now.

10.06pm
Kitchen manager Micha took the day off today, so more responsibilities were laid on us servers. We managed to get the lunch out with a mere 2 minute delay and a couple of drops of sweat, which was not badly peed for a wooden horse, as we say in Swedish (inte illa pinkat for en tra hast). Considering we were all serving for the first time.
I penetrated deeper in my meditations today, experiencing tears of gratitude for various reasons, e.g. how the proper people have crossed my path exactly at the time I needed them to, and how in retrospect, things have unfolded in such a perfect manner, even when through the limited perspective of my mind, at times things have looked and felt completely hopeless and dark.
Earlier today I was so inspired to write, but my mind is much more closed now, and inspiration is absent, so I will call it a day here and now. Namaste.

Micha (who is a baker) baking sourdough bread

Evening ginger tea being prepared

Day7
12.50
Adit than - Strong determination. It is really needed to progress on the path. The body/mind structure was tense this morning, making meditation a struggle. Meditation is truly the missing piece of the puzzle of my life right now. I had reached a stage where I was nearing total dysfunctionality, and just as misery was about to engulf my life, due to tons of supressed emotions, bankrupcy, legal residence status issues etc, what it may look like on the surface level is rather irrelevant actually, it is just a reflection of the inability of managing the mind on the inner level. Luckily, thankfully, perfectly, I have found this teaching, or perhaps it has found me.
I am witnessing a severe attachment to certain foods, wheat and starch based foods in particular, manifesting in my meditations on the physical level as severe pain and tension in the right hip area. At todays lunchbreak the enemy knocked on the minds door, with the innocent suggestion of a slice of bread. I let him in and rather briefly the mental pattern of compulsive eating flared up again.
"I got to quit this destructive recklessness"
"I will quit it... Tomorrow, because now I already started, so I might as well do it fully for the sake of pleasure one last time before I REALLY quit it for REAL"
"Quit it totally? Oh no! What fun and joy will there be left in my life if I quit binge eating? a life without binge eating, that's pure desolation and misery"
"If I am to quit it, then I must really make sure to hit rock bottom first, so that I exhaust the craving totally and completely before I quit"

...And on it goes, of course the craving is fuelled rather than exhausted. The pattern has utter disregard for any other living being. It is concerned solely with ME, MINE, MYSELF, I. Very limited. Mostly leaving me with a feeling of defeat and guilt after having played it out.
Today and just for today, I shall abstain from any foods cintaining wheat. Just for today. Tomorrow I will re-review.
The female manager of this course very much resembles a woman I used to date just before embarking on my spiritual path. This woman was heaven sent as she introduced me to Eckhart Tolles "The power of NOW", the book which was a real portal opener for me, gently probing my resistant mind towards a state of openmindedness, acceptance, and receptivity. Later on, she also sent me a recording of instructions on how to practice Metta (Loving Kindness), a technique where one projects loving intent towards oneself and all other beings. And here I am, almost 4 years later, practicing metta around 9pm every evening. Life has it's ways. I am ever grateful for having crossed your path, o' bright one.

I shall now take rest for an hour, and then resume practice with Adit than, strong determination. Patiently and persistantly. Vigilantly and ardently.

10.21pm
Had a strong practice from lunch and on, albeit a real queasy stomach and loads of gas. Modest dinner consisting of salad with some lemon juice, olive oil, soy and plain yoghurt. as well as one (1 !) slice of herb toast. With intense awareness it is possible to moderate!. Tomorrow I sit the whole day according to students schedule. Time for rest. Good night.

Micha in motion

Sheila creating cookies

Snowy view from outside the main building

Day 3 & Day 4

Day3, Dec 11.
5.27am
Aborted meditation before my 5.30 alarm rang. Intense gross painful sensations in the right hip, accompanied by anger and restlessness, constantly bombarded by thoughts of cornbread which I know resides in the fridge. Feeling of self pity over having given in before the commitment of sitting for an hour was carried through.
"poor me, I really deserve something comforting. At least a cup of chai tea with some sweet soy milk, mmm.."
I awoke at 1am, fearful and needing to pee. Forgot the night time pee tank by the main building after having emptied it yesterday. Had the x-files terrors that I used to have when I was younger, afraid of being abducted by aliens standing around my bed. Felt rather unwilling going to the main building to pee, afraid of witnesising aliens outside, very tense, what if they would abduct me and conduct painful experiments on me while I am still consciously awake. I observe this pattern playing out and chuckle inwardly, but the fear still feels very real. Got back to the cabin and had some trouble falling asleep.
Can feel energy moving throughout the body. A step in the right direction would be avoiding bread this morning and aiming for a strong 8am sittting, free of a feeling of guilt and defeat.  Heading off to breakfast preparation now.

9.19am
I have the 9-11 shift off so headed down to cabin. Anger has been the predominant emotion this morning, feeling as if everybody is against me and wants to criticise me and my ways. I do see a connection with the 7 slices of garlic toast I had with dinner last night. I was told off for throwing the last 4 slices of toast in the compost today, as they had been out all night I considered them to be ready for the bin. They were picked up out of the bin for consumption again. Throwing them was to me an act of discipline, but to someone else a sacrilege, a good reminder of everybodys subjectively different reality. Thai curry for lunch, yummy. I hereby vow to practice moderation and renunciation at this meal, and ask for guidance with this.

9.42pm
My armpits stink. 1 day is all my favourite t-shirt got. Lunch and sitting thereafter went great. Then for some reason, partly fear of the unfolding of my own potential and of the unknown, and partly for the sake of a feeling of comfort and safety with what I know so well, I deemed it worth to indulge in some... You know what, this doesn't serve me. Henceforth I will only write about the things that when read, will inspire me and anyone who reads them. I sat 1-2, 2.30-3.30, 6-7. Checked the discourse, it takes the edge off I find. Goenkaji (the head teacher and founder of the vipassana centers) is a funny guy. Then sat the 8.30-9 sitting before concluding the day at 9 with metta (loving kindness meditation) and a review of the day. I've been scheduled to have a full day of sitting on day 8, as we're quite overstaffed on this course.
Now it's reading time before sleep. Nighty.

Day 4, Dec 12
3.10am
Wow, intensely vivid dreams. I reunited with my 4 female friends from Sweden on a party cruise. I was very thrilled and felt a lot of love for them. Lifted them all up at once. 2 in each arm, and gave them a big hug. Then I went with 2 of them, 1 of them whom is a girl I once used to date, to her boyfriends shop, (I should note that in real life i dont know him, he most likely doesnt work in a shop, and the way he looked in my dream was not at all as in real life). The shop, a dodgy underground place, looked like you'd imagine a porn cellar or something. The boyfriend was steaming with jealousy over me being there with the girls, and he kept putting his feet on my lap over and over. I was sitting in a spinning chair which I eventually turned so that the back faced him, he then went around like a bloodthiirsty beast to keep mocking me. I then stood up, bid the girls farewell with a hug and proceeded to leave the place. I did not go far within the basement complex when I heard him rush up behind me, landing something sharp in the back of my head that had me fall to the ground. He went loose pretty harshly, and I prayed internally to have my body watched over and protected. 
I yelled HELP! several times to make my case obvious to whomever could hear. Then he brought out some long sharp metal piece and said something about remodelling my mouth, oh no I thought, not my mouth, and that's when the thought entered my mind....;
"Observe the sensations", and in that moment I realized that all pain and suffering is nothing more than a dream, dispelable by the dreamer when the dreamer becomes aware of dreaming. A deep sense of calm swept over me despite the situation, then I woke up and the dream continued in a conscious state, with a court trial and so on.

Rather agitated now with pains in my intestines, definitely feeling last nights overeating. Been sweating a lot too. 50 mins left tilll alarm. Hmm. Will shut the light and see if I can take some more rest.

12.37pm
What an insightful morning, I wrote an emotionally charged letter of amends to the woman in the dream after properly realizing how I had mistreated her while we were dating, something I had denied to myself until now to maintain a flawless image of self. There is an infinite storehouse of inspiration and creativity in our minds, just waiting to pour out abundantly as soon as we become willing to face our pain and discontent, cease running away and thus remove the blocks to this treasure vault of the mind.

Today is Vipassana day, which means that students go from the preparatory part of the course, where emphasis is placed on the practice of Anapana, to the main part of the course, the practice of the pure and ancient technique for purification of the human mind, as taught by Siddhartha Gotama the Buddha, Vipassana, which means "To see things as they are". At 3 pm there will be a guided meditation walking the students through the technique.

Nap time now before the 2pm group sit.

7.21pm
I don't really feel like writing, but out of habit I still decide to. Uninspired right now. Feel I didn't put in proper effort at the 6pm sit. Kept changing posture as soon as the going got slightly tough. Immediately thoughts went to food. I stayed off the bread though. Had half a banana and munching on some cashews in my cabin now. Going to take a shower soon. On a positive note I had a good bowel movement earlier, really felt the release of tension within the body, and a smooth elimination confirmed the inner release. I have noticed that my eliminations and my digestive health clearly reflect my mental state, where when I am attached and tense, my bowel movements are infrequent, hard, and take a lot of force to release. There is also a tendency for the anal sphincter not to want to let go, it literally 'holds on to the crap' as an illustrative metaphor for what goes on on a mental level. This often results in a feeling of still needing to go to the loo even when I just have done so. On a mental level it feels as having things unexpressed even after attempting to express them. When the mind is lighter, subtler, and less attached to things,  release happens effortlessly, smoothly, and frequently, leaving a feeling of lightness behind.

9.55pm
Feeling calm and hopeful for tomorrow. Good night.

Day 1 & Day 2

Day 1 – Dec 09

12.30pm

Resting in cabin after a refreshing walk. I have heard three rounds of Sirens today, out here, which is basically nowhere. Traffic accidents due to road conditions perhaps. It was very slippery last night as I returned to my cabin.

One round of sirens synchronistically occurred as I was considering a second round of lusciously delicious cornbread. According to my conscience at the time, that first round was already overindulgence as I had already had a slice of sourdough bread with onions, garlic and mushrooms in it. For me, the line between an innocent slice of bread and full on binge eating with regards for nothing and no one can be extremely fine, which is why it is important for me to exercise utmost caution in any food related matters, especially certain foods such as bread and sweets. I usually respond mentally to sirens interfering with my compulsive eating patterns with an attitude of ‘F*** YOU GOD, I DO WHAT I WANT’, and then set course for the ocean of binge eating, anger and guilt, but this time I did heed the ‘omen’ and decided to put the “gun” down.  (I often receive warnings about my behaviors when they are not aligned with universal law – sirens is one sign that often tends to show up for me.)

The 8am sitting was painful and constricted, but started to let go at the end. Immense drowsiness was present too, I nodded several times and had to work the technique of Anapana most of the time, a technique where awareness is placed on nostril breathing and the area between the nostrils and upper lip in particular, as a way of concentrating ones awareness and dodging distractions.

Had another sitting at 10 after chopping 5 pounds of onions, that one was a tearful story, with fluids flowing incessantly from every crevice of my face.

Meditation is really like upgrading the bandwith of the mind. I remember in the mid 90’s when my friends and I were just getting deeply into online gaming and the internet connections were still rather slow. The characters on the screen would tend to chop and shake their way forward when communication or ping times were high and information was lost or ‘choked’ along the way.

Just in the same manner we humans experience mental states such as anger, confusion and greed when our minds bandwith is choked and clogged with various defilements.

To upgrade our bandwith to levels where consistent free flow (love in pure form) may be experienced, we must take a deep dive inside and stay present with our pain until our inner energy channels or ‘astral tubes / nadis’ become purified and energy can pass through with least amount of obstructions. If we do not approach this work sincerely, we are bound to keep operating on an anciently retarded level till the day our bodies hit the scrapheap.

9.42pm

In bed, I encountered a lot of inner resistance today. Going to read a bit before going to sleep, borrowed a book from the library. “Meditation Now – inner peace through inner wisdom” by S.N. Goenka. Setting aim for a meditation in the hall before breakfast tomorrow.

Day2 – Dec 10
12.54pm

Break. Had lunch at 11, then cleanup and then a walk. A meditating student was sitting outside in the sun, although it’s freezing, pretty hardcore. I’m tired now. Had some vivid mental images of various things I desire in the future, to the point where it literally felt like I was living the experience although it was mental projection.

My digestion is stabilizing as tensions in the bowels are loosening, bowel movements two days in a row and no binge eating for 3 days, which is the longest I’ve went in quite a while. The meditation helps me stay with my emotions rather than escaping out of habit.

Did preparation work in the kitchen for tomorrows Thai curry lunch. Got the 3.30pm shift today with the German kitchen manager who goes by the name of Micha. Looking forward to that. It includes preparation work, making meals for the assistant teacher(s) and for the staff / servers.

                                                                         Brave Student

Tomorrow I’m on the 5.30am breakfast shift with another server named James. He’s a vegetarian helicopter technician with a passion for bodybuilding. There are no obvious surface common denominators for the people here, Dhamma is for everyone.

                                                                  Micha & James

Said hello to John during my walk after lunch, the elder fur of the course grounds, an instantly grounding experience. Have got a rather odd sensation between my calf muscle and the inner side of my right shinbone, feels as if something is creeping there every once in a while. I’m pretty sure it will come to pass any time soon given some vip-scanning (meditative attention) ;).

9.35pm

Brr..Cold. Might be a good idea to henceforth turn the heat on in my cabin a little while before bedtime. 2.30 sitting I found myself getting caught up in visions about the future, marriage and such, that is lingering in my mind. Dressed in white, like Galadriel and Celeborn from in the lord of the rings, with white facepaint creating symmetrical patterns as the two line up beside eachother. Strong inspiration for sharing great moments with other people arose. I feel that by persistent and patient work, inspiration will arise consistently so that what needs to manifest will be given space to do so.

2 major tension spots (negatively charged impressions of the mind / roots of behavioral patterns) have clearly made their bodily locations known, One on the left side of the diaphragm, just beneath the heart. It shortens the breath and interrupts digestion. Above: John the fur

The other is in the hip in what I perceive to be the piriformis (pear shaped) muscle connecting the sacrum to the major trochanter of the thighbone. This knot stiffen the legs, disrupts balance, delivers numbness in the outside of the right thigh. Together with the diaphragm knot it undermines core strength and literally caves in the abdominal area by pulling the core muscles in opposite directions.

Tomorrow I will prep breakfast at 5.45. Setting alarm for 4.20 with the intention to sit for 1hr before heading to kitchen.

Day 0

Drive to Merritt

We are driving through British Columbias misty mountains on the way to Dhamma Surabhi, “The fragrance of Dhamma”, British Columbia’s Vipassana meditation centre. Dhamma (Pali) or Dharma (Sanskrit) literally means “The Universal law of Nature”, the law which when understood on an experiential level can lead an individual towards freedom from misery and suffering.

I am in an old 70’s ford with driver Malcolm, a Canadian born Irish gentleman in his fifties, Kenji from Tokyo, a Japanese young man in his early thirties, and Juliana, a young lady in her early twenties (I am guessing ) from Russia. It is fascinating how people of various age groups from various parts of the globe are brought together unified by the search for depth and truth in life. Appearance and background are truly becoming of  less and less importance with every new day. Barriers are fading, slowly but surely.

Day 0, Dec 8^th 2010

9.56pm

In bed. Cabin #2, my own sweet spot to call home for the next ten days to follow.

I have come home again, that’s how it feels. It has been about two and a half weeks since I returned to Vancouver from my first 10-day Vipassana course, and it has been a rocky period, falling straight back into compulsive overeating patterns my first day back in the city. I got a taste of freedom though, which has tremendeously fuelled my desire to keep working this path.

Blessed to be back at Surabhi near Merritt, a three and a half hour drive from Vancouver, to play out my role as a Dhamma Server on a 10 day meditation course. Server means that I am volunteering my time to help out making sure that the course runs smoothly. In this particular center it involves mainly kitchen work such as preparation of meals, dishwashing, dining room preparation and cleaning.

Even approaching the center by car I could feel the mind settle down, and blissful tingles tickling my heart. Albeit a cup of coffee consumed along the way, There is a powerful energy vibrating around here.

After having been introduced to kitchen duties and having had a guided tour of the main work areas, the first group sitting took place at 8pm. I felt like a child returning home to his family after a period of uncertainty regarding whether he’d ever see them again.

It was with an underlying sense of joy that I sat down and relaxed best I could into my tense and troubled body, tuning in to the awe-stricken energy of the Dhamma hall (group meditation hall).

The atmosphere was charged with hope, eagerness and determination, students knowing very well that they were committing to 10 days of intense inner work carried out under a vow of noble silence, meaning no talking in between students whatsoever for the first 9 days. The first discourse was launched, discussing the technique and precepts taken for the sake of a strong practice with utmost results.

All these individuals, young, old, and everything in between, here on such a noble mission, dedicating 10 days of their most likely busy lives to deal with the dirty luggage most of us carry in the depths of our minds, that our social conditioning habitually prompts us to do everything in our power to consistently seek to escape from, by any means possible in our daily lives.

11.03pm

Turned on the light and picked up my journal again. Although I only slept around 3 hours last night, I am now overflowing with energy and inspiration. My soul is shaking this body vigorously, as if it has had it with these mental shackles and is now strongly determined to break out and blossom. I intended to arise at 4.20 an hour of sitting before the server meetup at 5.30am, but am now reframing to allow myself close to 6 hours of sleep to properly digest today’s impressions.

Whereas journaling is prohibited for course participants, for servers it is not, giving the serving experience a very different dimension. I actually found it frustrating at times while partaking in the course as a student, often feeling overcharged with energy and inspiration without any means of outsourcing it other than going for walks outside the course facility, leaving me with several nearly sleepless nights.

Journaling helps me spend this freed up energy in a constructive manner that also potentially may serve others.

10 day Vipassana course as server - Introduction

Welcome to the wonderfully twisted domain of my nutty mind and my bouncy life!

I took my first 10 day vipassana meditation course nov 10- nov 21. It became a real eye opener for me, where for the first time I started to see clearly how through my thoughts, emotions, words and actions create situations in my life that I really could do without. I felt it was a path to investigate further, and I decided to go back to serve a 10 days course. An undertaking that gives an individual a chance to practice maintaining the awareness built up in meditation while interacting with other people, undertaking work tasks etc.

I came back from my 10 day course serving the 19th of dec, and am now gathering my journal entries to publish on this blog. My purpose is to share what I'm going through, bring issues that I really often do not wish others to know of into the light, give full insight into my life, bring the light in every dark little corner of my being and dispel every ounce of denial residing in my mind.

I don't claim that anything I write in this blog is the truth, it is merely my experience and reflections, to be taken as just that and nothing else.
I will happily answer any questions pertaining to this blog, so feel free to ask anything you please.

Be happy, freedom for all, to hell with the rules and regulations, all of them except the universal ones we all need to abide by for the sake of our liberation and happiness. That which supports life, is itself supported by life.

Thanks for reading.

Noah