Chapter 2, Day 1. MORALITY.

Day 1, 10.05pm

Joyful. Freedom is graspable.

Another server joined the team today. A little baker angel who goes by the name of Meredith and has already blessed us with cookies and bread. She speaks some Swedish J.

I have reflected upon morality

I define morality as follows:

Individual conduct that is wholesome to self and others.

There are two kinds of morality, they are:

Sincere morality and Insincere / imposed morality.

Personally, I have become an expert on the latter. I built up an image of what I considered to be the impersonation of a genuinely good character and then did my best to impersonate that image.

The only problem with this, was that as soon as something came up within me that did not fit into the description of my perfect character, the mental committee I had assigned to keep me on track would slam the hammer in the table, deem it unacceptable, and suppress it.

Angry? Not ok – suppress.

Horny in public? Not ok – suppress.

Jealous of somebody for logically ridiculous reasons? Not ok – suppress.

Envious of somebody for their worldly possessions? So not spiritual! Suppress.

Resentful and judgmental of someone’s habits? Not ok – Suppress.

And on it went until at some point the steaming pit with suppressed negativity got so hot that subconsciously my mind would device different strategies to keep the heat isolated or lead it into other places. All while the moral committee kept slamming their hammers in the tables at an accelerating speed, because the more suppression, the more negativity stored in the mind, and the more negativity is bound to color our perception. These strategies of ‘protection’ would manifest as a desire to get drunk or do drugs, have excessive sex, binge eat etc. The latter being the main issue for me. Eventually this method of suppression led me down a dark path where I found myself in a suicidal state, resenting almost everything and everyone, with the exception of a few moments here and there where I saw the light and remembered that In truth I was not all this misery.

Most of all I resented myself for having had become almost the total opposite of that neat little self image I had engineered.

Fast forward a while and I have this insight. That if we attempt to impose morality, it may very well end up with catastrophic, often opposite results of that which we originally intended. Imposed morality is what most parents attempt to program their children with in our extremely dysfunctional society. Suppressed energy takes perverted expressions. What is a pervert? Somebody who has gone on suppressing for so long, that the means of releasing the pressure have taken the most morphed expressions, such as pedophilia, necrophilia, schizophrenia, rape, murder, etc.

What then, is sincere morality?

Sincere morality is the blossoming of a free spirit, of somebody who has been allowed to play with the opposites, with both sides of the coin, with the extremes of each pole.

It is the natural conclusion of having tasted both the bitter and the sweet.

How can somebody know creation if she has not known destruction?

How can someone know stillness if he has not known motion?

As humans, we have an inherent compass that will guide us in the right direction as soon as we stop clinging to what we believe is the right direction. If we think north is right but never walked south, we can never be 100% sure until we walked south.

I am entering the most liberated period of my life so far, and all I have done is to make a conscious effort to allow myself to do that which I fear may cause me harm, but to do it consciously, really feeling and experiencing it fully.

Sincere morality comes from a place of knowing what is good for us, whereas imposed morality comes from a place of believing what is good for us. Believing comes from the mind and it is bound to produce insecurity, as we are not sure, because we haven’t tried the opposite prescription. Knowing is of the Heart, and is as indestructible as the space between things.

A little fresh example. I know it’s not good to eat just before sleep. Especially not cookies and stuff. That’s what my imposed morality or social conditioning tells me.

So, I do the opposite. I eat some nuts and fruits.

And then the thought of having a cookie enters my mind.. Oh no, that would be outright immoral at this time just before bed, besides I already had 3 earlier today.

You know what? Screw it. In this moment I want a cookie, so I will have one.

But, I will have it consciously. Sitting still and focusing on nothing else than eating that cookie as I am eating it. And as soon as I can really pull this off with a single pointed mind, guess what? The desire vanishes. Whereas if I do it while in a state of judging myself for it and creating lots of tasks and thoughts to distract myself from the experience of feeling judged, the desire just intensifies and I end up wanting MORE, MORE, and yet MORE…

And once a kink like this has been consciously experienced with acceptance over and over, it settles, and stops being an issue. We could visualize it as trying to flatten dough with a rolling pin. If we do it violently and want to get it done quickly, we are bound to create a monster of a loaf, but if we do it slowly, gently, and patiently, it might just turn out beautifully.

Sincere morality, then, comes from allowing oneself to be both good and evil, as one desires to, and listening to the needs and wants of the moment rather than endless habits, plans, impositions etc.

For me, meditation has given me the possibility to do just this, to hear my own inner voice in the moment, and thus being able to stop living like a conditioned robot all the time. I can now allow myself to feel whatever comes up in the moment, without trying to run away or distract myself just because it is something uncomfortable, hurtful, or painful. A teacher of mine once said that the only thing that can ever get hurt is our pampered little ego.

Once this allowance is there, we will naturally land onto the conclusion that certain thoughts, words, and deeds make us feel good, and others make us feel less than good. This conclusion can not be reached though, until we have fully allowed ourselves to do that which we fear will wreck our progress, our success, our life, our relations, etc.

To conclude, the most precious gift we can give any other person, and ourselves as well, is our full and unconditional acceptance. For it gives each individual space to play with their extremes in a space of non-judgment, and thus naturally arrive at their own true potential. To live and let live we must learn how to love.

1.08am

Just awoke from an intense dream. I was on something that resembled the Burrard bridge in Vancouver. But on this one the distance down to the water was much much higher. There was a big parade going on upon it, heading north, which in reality would have been towards the downtown Vancouver side. Lots of people dressed in fancy costumes were parading, horses, elephants etc where there. I was running against the stream of people, I was small, and had to watch out not to get stomped by the big animals. Everything felt very massive and threatening. It was night, skies were dark, perhaps it was raining. Waters underneath looked still and glowing. I was pushed towards the bridge side repeatedly. I could perceive the elephants deciding that they were going to chase me, so I started running, suddenly changing direction. I ran at the speed of a high speed train and the elephants were not much slower. I soon realized that the bridge was collapsed on the north side, or perhaps I just decided to jump off of it. Reaching the end of the bridge, I thought I should jump before the land strip begins underneath, so I could land in the water, but then I realized my speed was so high that anyway I would sail to land before I landed. So I let go of my attachment to being alive and I jumped off the left hand side of the bridge, avoiding the elephants threatening stomps, sailing through the air with closed eyes towards my destiny. The dream put plenty of stress on my nervous system and while sailing I woke up. This is just a rough recollection of what I remember. I know that before I was walking in opposite direction of the parade on the bridge, other events were taking place.

Going to try to get back to sleep now. Good night.

The journey continues... Chapter 2 Intro, Day 0

I came home on the 16th of Jan, it is now Jan 20th and I feel ready to begin publishing the material I gathered during my Dhamma service on Jan 5 - Jan 16 at Dhamma Surabhi outside Merritt. It has become evident to me that the effects of the time spent away doing a lot of inner work really tends to manifest and properly integrate once back in ones 'normal' living circumstances. It is as if going away on a retreat is like setting spark to a bundle of firewood, while returning, then, acts as the kindling of the fire to the point where it really starts consuming the fuel.

Day 0.

I’m feeling very tired and weak. Maybe it’s lack of sleep and a lot of energy spent on anticipation and excitement, maybe it’s the antibiotics I am taking, I don’t know.

The drive here was pleasant. Wet and foggy weather with entertaining company.

Sergei, a Russian Architect, behind the wheel. He’s got 2 daughters who are also both architects by profession. Lam from Hong Kong, a designer by profession, Maury, the veteran in our company with 20 years of Vipassana experience, a fairtrade company operator dealing with construction materials, and Bapooji from India, whose wife and son are also vipassana practicioners. Sergei went out of his way to pick everybody up at our respective living spaces, this man is the most well organized person I have had the pleasure of traveling with up to date. He had his gps programmed with the destinations to each one of our addresses, as well as a printed list with maps, phone numbers etc. Quite some difference from last course I served where we were lost around Merritt for around an hour and eventually had to mobile phone google the number to the center to find our way.

Our journey together began in Kitsilano, went on to gather Lam Wong in North Van, and then on to East Van for Maury. Finally we stopped in Surrey for Bapooji.


Sergei


 Lam & Bapooji


Magic Maury


The author

As we picked him up, Baboojis wife invited us in for some tea and fruit before we headed on from their home in Surrey towards Merritt, and she also left us with a CD of her Sanskrit chanting. Roads were Slushy so Sergei drove at safe speed.


Sunita, Bapoojis beloved.


...And her recordings

I seem to be the only one in this company of five who does not have children of my own. And as I ask people, it is interesting to notice how in many cases the parents are involved with mind cleansing practices that their children have not yet begun to explore. It shatters a prejudice I have held that stated that children are in almost every case pioneering in the field of spirituality. It seems though, that there are many parents leading the way towards awakening too.

Upon arrival and preparing my cabin a bit, I introduced myself to this course’s server team. Kitchen manager is Jason from Vancouver, of Lithuanian descent. There’s Marc, originally from Switzerland, Christa from Canada, who recently has returned after 9 years in Taiwan, and Alice, born and raised in China. Course student managers, are on the men’s side Steve, and on the women’s, Lisa. It doesn't say much about people, but atleast it gives our minds something to grasp on to for the sake of character establishment.

Another 35 minutes until dinner and I am starving. Hands smell from chopping onions. Need some rest.


CC, Cosy Cabin.


Jason AKA Yukon-Charlie, preparing peanut butter.


CC2,  Compost Christa



Marc familiarizing himself with the Dish Pit, where he is going to spend many wet hours during the 10 days to follow.


AA. Auspicious Alice



Plenty of snow to go

Chapter 2 starts tomorrow...

Ride organized. Will be going to Merritt with a man named Sergei and 3 others. I am really excited about this trip. My life has taken some drastic changes the last two weeks in Vancouver and I feel somewhat like a snake shedding it's skin. Or perhaps a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon would be a slightly more mesmerizing description, lol.

My intention for these 10 days of Dhamma Service is to further establish myself into the Vipassana meditation technique, and to focus on expressing my feelings and letting go of the fear of 'hurting' or upsetting others. Truly, if we are ever to grow in relationships we must start taking responsibility for our own thoughts, words, and actions. This also includes trusting that others will do the same and thus dropping our guessing games regarding what others may think or feel.

This is a frequently reocurring experience in my life, where I will abstain from speaking up or expressing due to a fear of upsetting somebody. I also experience it the other way, where others withhold their truth due to a fear of being judged, hurting somebody, or the likes. Often with devastating results to trust and communication. I wish to have this tendency healed, at whatever cost. I have experimented a lot with the energy of supressing. Up until now, it is pretty much all I know, and I can vow for it's dysfunctionality. I now feel as if I need to familiarize myself with the energy of expression, to eventually reach a level of balance inbetween the two. I feel like a volcano that for a long time has been dormant, and now has reached such a pressure that the rumble has begun. The question is how I can make controlled eruptions, without making my life into a Pompeji, but instead like a neat display of polished pyrotechnics.

I wish to share a verse that is very dear to me right now.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave
Satchidananda Murtaye
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya
Niralambaya Tejase

 I bow to the True Teacher, within and without, that enlightens every heart;
that assumes the forms of reality, pure awareness and bliss,
that is never absent and is full of peace,
that, completely free, is the vital essence of illumination.

Day 9 and Day 10 (Metta day)

Day 9,
10.01pm
After breakfast prep my appetite was so ravenous that I didn't even consider any restraint. Large amounts of bread was consumed at breakfast and lunch to take the edge off my emotional turmoil, supposedly as an attempt to apply some balm on the wounds tended in yesterdays sitting sessions. Practice went well today, finally managing to sit through some of the 1 hour sittings without giving in to the desire to change posture and fidget around. Before wrapping up for today, I was doing plenty of work on the hip and abdominal tract, releasing alot of tension and passing alot of gas.
Tomorrow at 10pm the students break noble silence and are thus allowed to resume speech again after nine full days of silence. We're in for a lively day.

I would like to present a concept I have termed BKB - Body Knows Best.

In meditation, the body always guides us to become aware of any area that requires our attention. For example, we are told to sit with a straight spine, but after 5 minutes the body starts to cringe forward. We straighten out our spine, but notice that the more we oppose the body's inclinations, the harder ithe body resists our will, and the more conflict and tension we generate. BKB is simply the act, or rather, non-act of allowing the body to take us wherever it wants to take us, trusting that by playing by the bodys accord, and maintaining a state of non-resistance, we will be guided to relaxation and extension of tissues when we patiently persevere in observing the desire to move against the body's natural inclination, even when it takes us into the most awkward positions.

Blessed by the baker. Not a day without freshly baked sourdough bread.

James working the food blender a.k.a. asphalt breaker

Day 10 (Metta Day)
5.11am
Arising and heading to the Dhamma Hall for a pre breakfast sitting.

10.01pm
I have pushed myself hard today, sat through alot of pain and inner resistance. It has taken me 10 days out here to gather my strenght, concentrate my mind, to the level where I am able to begin penetrating into the source of my miseries and compulsive destructive behaviors.
I know I'm on the right track, I can feel it deeply in my Heart, but the path is long, and the pitfalls are many. I shall return to this boot camp of the soul once again.
The journey towards purification  goes on, more intensely than ever before. On the 5th of January, in about two weeks time, I have signed up to serve another 10 day Vipassana course.

Spice collection and cookies

YuKo!

Dining hall cleanup

Kitchen cleanup

James and Mirka on dishes

S.N. Goenka with his wife

I feel rather anxious about returning to Vancouver, but I shall do my best to make my time there fruitful and enjoyable. Now I'm setting focus for one last push in the Dhamma Hall tomorrow morning. Alarm set for 4.20. Good night.

Day 11 - Going home...

10 days of inner work and the opportunity to integrate this inner work with physical work as well as interpersonal relationships and communication have come to an end...

Dhamma Surabhi, morning hours, day 11.

Coldwater river, Merritt, BC

I am now writing this concluding post for the experience as a Dhamma Server on a 10 day Vipassana meditation course that took place outside Merritt in British Columbia, Canada, at Dhamma Surabhi, on Dec 8 - Dec 19.

It is currently January the 2nd 2011, 1.37am. The time since I came back to Vancouver on the 19th of Dec has been intense, with so many many things happening in my life that I could make another blog about them... Or perhaps a soap opera manuscript.
To summarize, the practice of meditation definitely has great impact on ones everyday life on every level, promoting change and growth in a variety of ways.
In 3 days I return to Dhamma Surabhi for another 10 days as a server to further deepen my practice and expand the foundation of awareness that I have begun building through my vipassana practice, with the current goal of rediscovering my capacity to lead a life of trust in Self and empowerment in a vibrantly busy city. A skill that has been dislocated to me for quite a while now.

I will keep sharing my experiences on this blog for anyone who is interested.

Wishing you a wonderful 2011, full of growth, inspiration, and prosperity on all levels.
May you all be happy,

Noah

Final Destination 2, awesome movie ;)

                                    

The winds of change are in the air

Approaching Vancouver downtown, seen from East Hastings street

Day 7 continued... & Day 8

Day7 ctnd...
11.22pm
Not falling asleep. I am acutely aware of the sensations in the body. I feel like a little boat being rocked by the waves, small waves synched with the heartbeats. When I lay on my side, I feel and hear my pulse beating intensely in my ear. I feel the left side tension knot in my diaphragm slowly releasing, and plenty of 'tummy roaring' emancipating from that area, digestion seems to be speeding up. Anything feels possible right now, and I can see nothing but an utterly bright future for myself, whatever shape it may take.

Day 8 (Sitting day)
10.28am
Today I follow the students schedule, which means meditation most of the day.
So far, I have found myself unwilling to sit through the pain as it has arisen. I have found myself impatient, restless, and aversive. There is a clear paralell to everyday life where the pain would be an unfavourable situation, and the unwillingness to face the generated emotion would have me resort into compulsively using food as a means of comfort. I see the problemacy, and my question to myself is; how may I increase my willingness to face discomfort and pain in my life?
Truly, it is all impermanent, by facing and accepting I allow it to pass and pave way for fresh experience, but by resisting and attempting escape, I only multiply the tension, pain, and suffering. With this in mind, my wish can be summarized as follows;
"I wish to approach pain and suffering non-resistantly, with an air of acceptance. I wish to remain still amidst mental/emotional storms and quickly let go of that which does not serve me."

4.03pm - passion and anger
Violent dominant sex, ravenous devouring of food, judgment thrown in every direction. These thought forms I have had coming to me today, all as a result of reacting to those fiery, piercing, pulsating and painful sensations that tend to surface after sitting in meditation for a while, rather than simply observing them with equanimity (objectivity / non - reaction / absence of identification). It is easier said than done. Every little reaction causes a chain of multiplication of that very sensation reacted to, and all it's accompanying thoughts and emotions.
It is the sensations that we either crave or avert, emotions and behaviors are merely surface manifestations of our sensational addictions. Observance of this phenomenon seems to be the only way out. It's challenging, but at least it's as simple as 1-2-3. Face the pain. Grab the bull by the horns.

Procrastination on the mental level is another big obstacle to proper meditation. It will manifest itself as various thought forms fishing for our attention under the guise of being something important we really should deal with right away, even if our current focus happens to be meditation. Once our attention has been latched, the train of thought goes on and on. The ego loves procrastinating because it feeds itself by constantly queuing up tasks and thoughts to ensure that no moments of dispelling presence  / one pointedness of mind will ever be reached. In fact, me writing this now is also a form of procrastination, as I used it as an excuse to abort my meditation and not have to face the sensations I deemed painful and unpleasant.

Courtyard view from inside

Goenka speaks of the 5 villains or obstacles we are faced with in meditation. They are;

Craving / Desire "Oh this feels sooooo goood.. it's like the first time I tried ecstasy.. This is what life should be like all the time...Wait! What happened? Where did the bliss go? What is this torture, from bliss to piss? This is impossible.. Bliss, where are you? come back? please, I beg.. Maybe if I get up and run away the bliss will be back next time.. Let's try."

Aversion / Anger "Oh no, what is this... I thought meditation was all about all enveloping bliss, and here I'm sitting feeling as if piranhas are gnawing off pieces of my knee and belzebub himself is testing his newly bought blowtorch right in my lower back. I don't deserve this, I'm getting out of this stupid seat.

Drowsiness / Slothfulness : "I'm tired, I've already meditated enough for today, I deserve a nap...New day tomorrow after all.. zZzZz"

Procrastination  / Restlessness "Johnnys birthday is in 2 days, damn, I have to think of a gift to give him.. Shit, they're cutting down on staff at work, and I'm in the risk zone.. I can't sit here meditating, I have to do something.. Find a new job, or write my boss a letter of appreciation. My first daughter just learned how to walk, it is so wonderful, I wonder how many steps in a row she has taken without tripping once I get home.. I can't wait. Meditation can wait. I'm hungry,, I wonder what's for lunch, it better be good.. Lasagna.. mmm.. Reminds me of that juicy steak I had on christmas eve 3 years ago at aunt berthas..

and

Doubt "What if I'm working the technique improperly? Oh my, the pain is getting worse each day, I must certainly be doing something wrong.. Actually, this is not for me, they say when you find your path everything runs smoothly, and here I am feeling as if somebody is slamming me relentlessly with a hammer, not my cup of tea obviously"

These 5 responses all seem to be manifestations of our conditioned minds protective mechanism, to keep us "safe" from experiencing pain or trauma. The problem  is that the program is outdated, it doesn't serve it's original purpose anymore, so instead of keeping us safe, it keeps us trapped in misery, addiction, and negativity. Now the time has come to come out of this madness.
My body aches, and my stomach cries. I am rather impatiently waiting for the 5pm fruit break.

10.06pm
Finally, at the two last sittings of the day I reached deeper, and had some relieving releases. My hips keep opening and opening, it's almost as if they are like a bottomless well of tension, it just keeps pouring and pouring At the very tip of the coccyx, there was alot of release tonight, and it felt like a great relief, almost as if my tailbone expanded in every direction. Sexual tension leaving the body. Now I feel as if somebody beat me up pretty badly. Or perhaps similar to playing a game of NHL hockey without protective wear. (slight exaggeration) :).

In retrospect, I wasn't really fit for a full day of sitting. As of yet I still have big problems with sitting for one hour at the stretch without moving. Looking forward to get back to serving tomorrow. I'm on breakfast prep with James at 5.45. G'night.