Chapter 4 - The cocoon, starts tomorrow

Bag packed, lunch box prepped, intent set. Tomorrow I head towards Dhamma Sobhana, the only Vipassana meditation centre in Scandinavia as of yet, to serve the course beginning on the 14th of April. Serving, for the uninformed, means being on the work force that makes sure the students have a smooth running course. It mostly means kitchen work, such as preparing, cooking, and cleaning. I am thrilled to establish a foothold on Scandinavian ground after having returned here from Canada only 10 days ago. I am also enthused to meet some Dhamma brothers and sisters over here, potentially mending some lasting friendships.

I am arriving this time with a solid daily practice for the first time, and I feel much more capable of facing the challenges and tribulations of days full of meditation than ever before. There has previously been plenty of reluctance and resistance within towards sitting, but those barriers are slowly breaking down, and I am becoming more and more willing to do the work, which means, less and less inclined to perpetuate my misery through stubborn acts of self pity and self destruction. I waver in my blogging with questions such as;

'Why would any being on earth want to read the stuff I write, why should I even bother putting energy into this?' 


'What kind of self centered egomaniac am I to be doing this? Is this some kind of subtle cry for approval from others due to feeling unloved at some point in my childhood?


 'Maybe I should just drop this sh*t and spend the energy on something that doesn't involve the risk of being judged instead'


Nonetheless, I persevere... At least it gives me a chance to practice writing and language, and it also gives me a space to crystallize my thoughts and reflect on what goes on in my head. Those reasons seem sufficient enough to keep it up right now.

I hope to once again be inspired in my writing, which usually is the case when focus is directed upon meditation.

...to be continued...