5.27am
Aborted meditation before my 5.30 alarm rang. Intense gross painful sensations in the right hip, accompanied by anger and restlessness, constantly bombarded by thoughts of cornbread which I know resides in the fridge. Feeling of self pity over having given in before the commitment of sitting for an hour was carried through.
"poor me, I really deserve something comforting. At least a cup of chai tea with some sweet soy milk, mmm.."
I awoke at 1am, fearful and needing to pee. Forgot the night time pee tank by the main building after having emptied it yesterday. Had the x-files terrors that I used to have when I was younger, afraid of being abducted by aliens standing around my bed. Felt rather unwilling going to the main building to pee, afraid of witnesising aliens outside, very tense, what if they would abduct me and conduct painful experiments on me while I am still consciously awake. I observe this pattern playing out and chuckle inwardly, but the fear still feels very real. Got back to the cabin and had some trouble falling asleep.
Can feel energy moving throughout the body. A step in the right direction would be avoiding bread this morning and aiming for a strong 8am sittting, free of a feeling of guilt and defeat. Heading off to breakfast preparation now.
9.19am
I have the 9-11 shift off so headed down to cabin. Anger has been the predominant emotion this morning, feeling as if everybody is against me and wants to criticise me and my ways. I do see a connection with the 7 slices of garlic toast I had with dinner last night. I was told off for throwing the last 4 slices of toast in the compost today, as they had been out all night I considered them to be ready for the bin. They were picked up out of the bin for consumption again. Throwing them was to me an act of discipline, but to someone else a sacrilege, a good reminder of everybodys subjectively different reality. Thai curry for lunch, yummy. I hereby vow to practice moderation and renunciation at this meal, and ask for guidance with this.
9.42pm
My armpits stink. 1 day is all my favourite t-shirt got. Lunch and sitting thereafter went great. Then for some reason, partly fear of the unfolding of my own potential and of the unknown, and partly for the sake of a feeling of comfort and safety with what I know so well, I deemed it worth to indulge in some... You know what, this doesn't serve me. Henceforth I will only write about the things that when read, will inspire me and anyone who reads them. I sat 1-2, 2.30-3.30, 6-7. Checked the discourse, it takes the edge off I find. Goenkaji (the head teacher and founder of the vipassana centers) is a funny guy. Then sat the 8.30-9 sitting before concluding the day at 9 with metta (loving kindness meditation) and a review of the day. I've been scheduled to have a full day of sitting on day 8, as we're quite overstaffed on this course.
Now it's reading time before sleep. Nighty.
Day 4, Dec 12
3.10am
Wow, intensely vivid dreams. I reunited with my 4 female friends from Sweden on a party cruise. I was very thrilled and felt a lot of love for them. Lifted them all up at once. 2 in each arm, and gave them a big hug. Then I went with 2 of them, 1 of them whom is a girl I once used to date, to her boyfriends shop, (I should note that in real life i dont know him, he most likely doesnt work in a shop, and the way he looked in my dream was not at all as in real life). The shop, a dodgy underground place, looked like you'd imagine a porn cellar or something. The boyfriend was steaming with jealousy over me being there with the girls, and he kept putting his feet on my lap over and over. I was sitting in a spinning chair which I eventually turned so that the back faced him, he then went around like a bloodthiirsty beast to keep mocking me. I then stood up, bid the girls farewell with a hug and proceeded to leave the place. I did not go far within the basement complex when I heard him rush up behind me, landing something sharp in the back of my head that had me fall to the ground. He went loose pretty harshly, and I prayed internally to have my body watched over and protected.
I yelled HELP! several times to make my case obvious to whomever could hear. Then he brought out some long sharp metal piece and said something about remodelling my mouth, oh no I thought, not my mouth, and that's when the thought entered my mind....;
"Observe the sensations", and in that moment I realized that all pain and suffering is nothing more than a dream, dispelable by the dreamer when the dreamer becomes aware of dreaming. A deep sense of calm swept over me despite the situation, then I woke up and the dream continued in a conscious state, with a court trial and so on.
Rather agitated now with pains in my intestines, definitely feeling last nights overeating. Been sweating a lot too. 50 mins left tilll alarm. Hmm. Will shut the light and see if I can take some more rest.
12.37pm
What an insightful morning, I wrote an emotionally charged letter of amends to the woman in the dream after properly realizing how I had mistreated her while we were dating, something I had denied to myself until now to maintain a flawless image of self. There is an infinite storehouse of inspiration and creativity in our minds, just waiting to pour out abundantly as soon as we become willing to face our pain and discontent, cease running away and thus remove the blocks to this treasure vault of the mind.
Today is Vipassana day, which means that students go from the preparatory part of the course, where emphasis is placed on the practice of Anapana, to the main part of the course, the practice of the pure and ancient technique for purification of the human mind, as taught by Siddhartha Gotama the Buddha, Vipassana, which means "To see things as they are". At 3 pm there will be a guided meditation walking the students through the technique.
Nap time now before the 2pm group sit.
7.21pm
I don't really feel like writing, but out of habit I still decide to. Uninspired right now. Feel I didn't put in proper effort at the 6pm sit. Kept changing posture as soon as the going got slightly tough. Immediately thoughts went to food. I stayed off the bread though. Had half a banana and munching on some cashews in my cabin now. Going to take a shower soon. On a positive note I had a good bowel movement earlier, really felt the release of tension within the body, and a smooth elimination confirmed the inner release. I have noticed that my eliminations and my digestive health clearly reflect my mental state, where when I am attached and tense, my bowel movements are infrequent, hard, and take a lot of force to release. There is also a tendency for the anal sphincter not to want to let go, it literally 'holds on to the crap' as an illustrative metaphor for what goes on on a mental level. This often results in a feeling of still needing to go to the loo even when I just have done so. On a mental level it feels as having things unexpressed even after attempting to express them. When the mind is lighter, subtler, and less attached to things, release happens effortlessly, smoothly, and frequently, leaving a feeling of lightness behind.
9.55pm
Feeling calm and hopeful for tomorrow. Good night.
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