Day5, Day6 & Day7

Day5
12.28pm
I am utterly powerless over food, bread in particular. The more I try to restrict and control, the more violently I tend to dive into it. One little corn tortilla became 2, became 3, became an attitude of why not eat whatever I feel like. Stuffed, needless to say, but that is of minor relevance. Of major relevance is that overeating dulls the mind, wrecks the memory, intesifies cravings, creates drowsiness, brings about a general disinterest and unwillingness for anything spiritually related, makes the body tense, thus making it hard to meditate and breathe, and brings about very unpleasant gross bodily sensations, which when the mind is in a gross agitated state become very hard to stay equanimous to, which in turn brings about a tendency to abort meditation at an early stage of sitting due to pain, negativity, blame and guilt.
Note to self: take a pause from bread whenever capable.
Nonetheless I shall carry on with this day best I can. I really need a poop, so heading back up to the main building now.

4.20pm
I forgot to mention earlier, that this morning as I headed from my cabin to the main building, the sky was so clear, and it was like looking up on a huge omnipresent starlit screen. For a few fleeting moments I could feel my awareness curiously sniffing beyond the confinements of this body, with a deep sense of longing. I am so blessed to be here, finally having found a method to deal with my unruly self will. This environment is so charged with acceptance. We all have our own junk to deal with, and we all give eachother the space we need to do so. What a beautiful place to be!

Barbara playing with peanut butter

10.18pm
The 9pm question period proved very insightful today. A lot of students had questions, and the assistant teacher of the course, Lemay, answered them with grace and accuracy similar to that of a masterful knight wielding her sword.  I am approaching the knot on the left side of the diaphragm, it is as if there are layers of tensions preventing relaxation in that area, but with patience and persistance I am slowly coming closer. As soon as a layer of tension is released through observation, acceptance, and non reaction, the body responds immediately by releasing gas that seems to have been held on to for ages in the intestinal tract. As a result of this, the whole body straightens out. It feels truly liberating each time. Good night.

Day6
5.34am
Just sat for about 45 mins. The mind keeps launching seemingly important thoughts to distract me from observing the physical sensations on the body, and where I previously often had fallen prey to this trick, I now more and more manage to catch myself quickly and revert back rather briefly to observing the sensations in the body, and thus progressively untagle the knots that cause these thoughts in the first place, reaching deeper and deeper complexes of the body/mind structure.
It is very evident that intellectual conteplation only fuels the momentum of these knots/complexes lodged within the bodymind. (body and mind are not separate, it has become very clear on the experiental level through meditation and observation of the mental/physical phenomena). As these complexes are fuelled by mental attention into thought/emotion, it leaves me feeling tired, drained, exhausted, and unwilling to continue meditation practice. It gives the illusion of the possibility to "THINK MY WAY OUT" of the problem, while in fact, the more thinking, the bigger the problem appears, and the more energy is wasted into mental procrastination rather than actual dealing with the cause of the problems at the root level, which remains the physical sensations felt on and within the body.
Breakfast prep time with James now.

10.06pm
Kitchen manager Micha took the day off today, so more responsibilities were laid on us servers. We managed to get the lunch out with a mere 2 minute delay and a couple of drops of sweat, which was not badly peed for a wooden horse, as we say in Swedish (inte illa pinkat for en tra hast). Considering we were all serving for the first time.
I penetrated deeper in my meditations today, experiencing tears of gratitude for various reasons, e.g. how the proper people have crossed my path exactly at the time I needed them to, and how in retrospect, things have unfolded in such a perfect manner, even when through the limited perspective of my mind, at times things have looked and felt completely hopeless and dark.
Earlier today I was so inspired to write, but my mind is much more closed now, and inspiration is absent, so I will call it a day here and now. Namaste.

Micha (who is a baker) baking sourdough bread

Evening ginger tea being prepared

Day7
12.50
Adit than - Strong determination. It is really needed to progress on the path. The body/mind structure was tense this morning, making meditation a struggle. Meditation is truly the missing piece of the puzzle of my life right now. I had reached a stage where I was nearing total dysfunctionality, and just as misery was about to engulf my life, due to tons of supressed emotions, bankrupcy, legal residence status issues etc, what it may look like on the surface level is rather irrelevant actually, it is just a reflection of the inability of managing the mind on the inner level. Luckily, thankfully, perfectly, I have found this teaching, or perhaps it has found me.
I am witnessing a severe attachment to certain foods, wheat and starch based foods in particular, manifesting in my meditations on the physical level as severe pain and tension in the right hip area. At todays lunchbreak the enemy knocked on the minds door, with the innocent suggestion of a slice of bread. I let him in and rather briefly the mental pattern of compulsive eating flared up again.
"I got to quit this destructive recklessness"
"I will quit it... Tomorrow, because now I already started, so I might as well do it fully for the sake of pleasure one last time before I REALLY quit it for REAL"
"Quit it totally? Oh no! What fun and joy will there be left in my life if I quit binge eating? a life without binge eating, that's pure desolation and misery"
"If I am to quit it, then I must really make sure to hit rock bottom first, so that I exhaust the craving totally and completely before I quit"

...And on it goes, of course the craving is fuelled rather than exhausted. The pattern has utter disregard for any other living being. It is concerned solely with ME, MINE, MYSELF, I. Very limited. Mostly leaving me with a feeling of defeat and guilt after having played it out.
Today and just for today, I shall abstain from any foods cintaining wheat. Just for today. Tomorrow I will re-review.
The female manager of this course very much resembles a woman I used to date just before embarking on my spiritual path. This woman was heaven sent as she introduced me to Eckhart Tolles "The power of NOW", the book which was a real portal opener for me, gently probing my resistant mind towards a state of openmindedness, acceptance, and receptivity. Later on, she also sent me a recording of instructions on how to practice Metta (Loving Kindness), a technique where one projects loving intent towards oneself and all other beings. And here I am, almost 4 years later, practicing metta around 9pm every evening. Life has it's ways. I am ever grateful for having crossed your path, o' bright one.

I shall now take rest for an hour, and then resume practice with Adit than, strong determination. Patiently and persistantly. Vigilantly and ardently.

10.21pm
Had a strong practice from lunch and on, albeit a real queasy stomach and loads of gas. Modest dinner consisting of salad with some lemon juice, olive oil, soy and plain yoghurt. as well as one (1 !) slice of herb toast. With intense awareness it is possible to moderate!. Tomorrow I sit the whole day according to students schedule. Time for rest. Good night.

Micha in motion

Sheila creating cookies

Snowy view from outside the main building