11.22pm
Not falling asleep. I am acutely aware of the sensations in the body. I feel like a little boat being rocked by the waves, small waves synched with the heartbeats. When I lay on my side, I feel and hear my pulse beating intensely in my ear. I feel the left side tension knot in my diaphragm slowly releasing, and plenty of 'tummy roaring' emancipating from that area, digestion seems to be speeding up. Anything feels possible right now, and I can see nothing but an utterly bright future for myself, whatever shape it may take.
Day 8 (Sitting day)
10.28am
Today I follow the students schedule, which means meditation most of the day.
So far, I have found myself unwilling to sit through the pain as it has arisen. I have found myself impatient, restless, and aversive. There is a clear paralell to everyday life where the pain would be an unfavourable situation, and the unwillingness to face the generated emotion would have me resort into compulsively using food as a means of comfort. I see the problemacy, and my question to myself is; how may I increase my willingness to face discomfort and pain in my life?
Truly, it is all impermanent, by facing and accepting I allow it to pass and pave way for fresh experience, but by resisting and attempting escape, I only multiply the tension, pain, and suffering. With this in mind, my wish can be summarized as follows;
"I wish to approach pain and suffering non-resistantly, with an air of acceptance. I wish to remain still amidst mental/emotional storms and quickly let go of that which does not serve me."
4.03pm - passion and anger
Violent dominant sex, ravenous devouring of food, judgment thrown in every direction. These thought forms I have had coming to me today, all as a result of reacting to those fiery, piercing, pulsating and painful sensations that tend to surface after sitting in meditation for a while, rather than simply observing them with equanimity (objectivity / non - reaction / absence of identification). It is easier said than done. Every little reaction causes a chain of multiplication of that very sensation reacted to, and all it's accompanying thoughts and emotions.
It is the sensations that we either crave or avert, emotions and behaviors are merely surface manifestations of our sensational addictions. Observance of this phenomenon seems to be the only way out. It's challenging, but at least it's as simple as 1-2-3. Face the pain. Grab the bull by the horns.
Procrastination on the mental level is another big obstacle to proper meditation. It will manifest itself as various thought forms fishing for our attention under the guise of being something important we really should deal with right away, even if our current focus happens to be meditation. Once our attention has been latched, the train of thought goes on and on. The ego loves procrastinating because it feeds itself by constantly queuing up tasks and thoughts to ensure that no moments of dispelling presence / one pointedness of mind will ever be reached. In fact, me writing this now is also a form of procrastination, as I used it as an excuse to abort my meditation and not have to face the sensations I deemed painful and unpleasant.
Courtyard view from inside
Goenka speaks of the 5 villains or obstacles we are faced with in meditation. They are;
Craving / Desire "Oh this feels sooooo goood.. it's like the first time I tried ecstasy.. This is what life should be like all the time...Wait! What happened? Where did the bliss go? What is this torture, from bliss to piss? This is impossible.. Bliss, where are you? come back? please, I beg.. Maybe if I get up and run away the bliss will be back next time.. Let's try."
Aversion / Anger "Oh no, what is this... I thought meditation was all about all enveloping bliss, and here I'm sitting feeling as if piranhas are gnawing off pieces of my knee and belzebub himself is testing his newly bought blowtorch right in my lower back. I don't deserve this, I'm getting out of this stupid seat.
Drowsiness / Slothfulness : "I'm tired, I've already meditated enough for today, I deserve a nap...New day tomorrow after all.. zZzZz"
Procrastination / Restlessness "Johnnys birthday is in 2 days, damn, I have to think of a gift to give him.. Shit, they're cutting down on staff at work, and I'm in the risk zone.. I can't sit here meditating, I have to do something.. Find a new job, or write my boss a letter of appreciation. My first daughter just learned how to walk, it is so wonderful, I wonder how many steps in a row she has taken without tripping once I get home.. I can't wait. Meditation can wait. I'm hungry,, I wonder what's for lunch, it better be good.. Lasagna.. mmm.. Reminds me of that juicy steak I had on christmas eve 3 years ago at aunt berthas..
and
Doubt "What if I'm working the technique improperly? Oh my, the pain is getting worse each day, I must certainly be doing something wrong.. Actually, this is not for me, they say when you find your path everything runs smoothly, and here I am feeling as if somebody is slamming me relentlessly with a hammer, not my cup of tea obviously"
These 5 responses all seem to be manifestations of our conditioned minds protective mechanism, to keep us "safe" from experiencing pain or trauma. The problem is that the program is outdated, it doesn't serve it's original purpose anymore, so instead of keeping us safe, it keeps us trapped in misery, addiction, and negativity. Now the time has come to come out of this madness.
My body aches, and my stomach cries. I am rather impatiently waiting for the 5pm fruit break.
10.06pm
Finally, at the two last sittings of the day I reached deeper, and had some relieving releases. My hips keep opening and opening, it's almost as if they are like a bottomless well of tension, it just keeps pouring and pouring At the very tip of the coccyx, there was alot of release tonight, and it felt like a great relief, almost as if my tailbone expanded in every direction. Sexual tension leaving the body. Now I feel as if somebody beat me up pretty badly. Or perhaps similar to playing a game of NHL hockey without protective wear. (slight exaggeration) :).
In retrospect, I wasn't really fit for a full day of sitting. As of yet I still have big problems with sitting for one hour at the stretch without moving. Looking forward to get back to serving tomorrow. I'm on breakfast prep with James at 5.45. G'night.
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